Self Capture

Take a look! (source : private)
The self capture of myself. I describe it as something complex, really complicated and no one could understand. I scratched something in my mind that the self capture image of myself is in myself, this 17 old year body right now.

I realized that if you badly just pretending to be what you want, if the time's up you will stuck and hard to know what to do next. Tell it in another line, I believe that freedom nearby is reached after I know what is the real nature of mine. Then the self capture of  mine appeared and now I am me.

I have a problem from long long ago, over a year ago. I have been struggling in it for a long time.
I asked myself, "who am I?",
"I am you," I replied,
"Who are you?" I asked it again
"You are me," I replied it again
Then, I asked myself again, "Why are you here?"
"I am here for you," it sounds like a deep whispers from the deepest in my mind,
I worried about what I've done, I replied it, "Say, what do you want. What do you really really want to have within myself?",
I nodded in silence. Someone was standing behind me. I looked back but there's nothing. I know, I know. This conversation is enough! I'm not mad, I thought I should believe that I was lost in control and I had to look back again. I looked back, then saw nothing again. I'm alone.

I've been through a real mental break-down.You know the school, an amazing thing to study is a place when I'm usually tortured by those creatures. I couldn't believe that some, almost of them are gruesome creatures that haunts me everyday. Just a few of those creature I recognize them as a real human, really really human.

But that was nonsense. Why I have to struggling in this pathetic self-created problem? When I knew that those image was created from my innocent self, my seven years old body. I was bullied until I can't remember a thing. Too much pain for me, this vengeful memories. I have to find a way.

Months ago, I thought about is so badly that I can't focus on every single thing. I found a light, then I'll gather them for my sake. I had find some options to relieve this stress and finally it comes to an end.

Yesterday, I decided to go to my friend's house at another village. I told her I come to study chemistry together. Well, I knew that I usually study by myself and this is a good restart to relieve this pain.

I arrived at her house at 4 o'clock evening. I came to her as I usually approach her and she pleased to have a group study at her house although They're just two of us. I opened my book, got my pen and wrote it all. I lost some note on chemistry on my book so I copied of what my friend have already write on her book. Thanks to her.

After thirty minutes, I finished my work finally. I usually talk with her about those 'super' things. Yeah, this 'super' thing is a topic that teenagers uncommonly talk about. It's not about sex, money or anything gross like that. It's about what is life, and how to have it right. Or why and why people could done something. She is the only one friend who could understand what is struggling on my mind

I told her my problem from a year ago. She told me that anyone could never understand of what you really feel. And I just have to get it right and get it in place. About those solutions, I got the way her talk. And we concluded that this dimension has caught my real self capture. This one anyone can get after they truly understand the real nature of them.

My personality is a mask for those people. Anyone could never understand my true feeling. And this is my self capture. The self picture. That image I've spent on my lifetime. I finally know a way to each my problems. And it's up to me what to do next...


  1. Poor boy. Your thought rather different with commonly teens. Your feeling is so complicated that sends you to deep problems. Make them easier. Life is problems, no time without problem, face them happily. Think as if they are movements of the dance that never be the same.
    Son,...don't hope and don't wait for people understand you, because it will make you tired and feel unworthy. You may understand yourself, then understand people. Be sure, you will be a groovy person, and many people will come to you.


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